@#$%&!*

What did you get for your birthday this year? Me? Oh you know, exactly what I wanted! I hefty dose of Neurosis via my mom. What girl doesn't want her mom telling her she is venomous, spiteful and pointlessly sadistic for her 30th? Oh man, when I look back on all the birthday gifts from the past, I cringe to think of how many I have wasted now that I know what a REAL birthday gift is all about. And to top it all off, she told me I have severe emotional problems and I should seek therapy and stay out of her life! Isn't it great? It's like the gift that keeps on giving. I'm sure I'll be feeling this one for a long time to come.
So what's the secret to getting such a fabulous gift? I'm not sure if I should say. I mean, if everybody started getting what I got, then next year my mom will have to top this year and I gotta admit, that'll be tough. Ok, you broke me, I'll tell you. Just tell her the truth. Tell your mom that she shouldn't always expect the worst out of you. Tell her she should be more involved as a mother and grandma. Go ahead! You'll thank me later. Now this might not work for everybody. First you have to go through 15 or so years of agonizing emotional trauma which includes 3-4 years of complete parental abandonment, (meaning you don't lay eyes on each other during this time for reasons unknown or unnecessary to explain) backbiting and gossip, and countless, unfruitful attempts at trying to bridge the gap between reality and lala land. (Which obviously your mother has to live in order for this to work) I know it sounds like a lot, but trust me, in order to get the results I did today, you'll have to do it. And believe me, it's worth it! Have fun!